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More Top Ten.....

Top Ten Surprises in 'Titanic'

10. Touching scene in which iceberg comes out as a lesbian.
9. Floating corpses played by former associates of the Gambino family.
8. Instead of ocean, boat sinks in a large New York City pothole.
7. Several minutes devoted to a lovely synchronized swimming routine.
6. When boat starts sinking, captain turns on rocket boosters & flies that sumbitch to Mars.
5. Graphic love scene between Kate Winslet and the Gorton's Fisherman.
4. So-called "iceberg" clearly just a Coleman picnic cooler.
3. At end of film, everyone is saved by those babes from "Baywatch."
2. Passengers jump off side when Kathie Lee starts singing, "If they could see me now..."
1. The Titanic's father? Darth V
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
9. Too much caffeine
8. What can I say? I love a good joke
7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their logical conclusion
5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
2. Was tired of playing "Got your nose"
1. Ginsumania!


Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Garth Brooks Concert in Central Park

10. Check it out -- line-dancing crack dealers.
9. I think Billy Ray Cyrus just asked me for change.
8. Isn't that Mayor Guiliani dressed up like Minnie Pearl?
7. Call the paramedics -- Al Sharpton just started stage diving.
6. If you're not a cowgirl, what's the lasso for?
5. The entire Central Park reservoir is filled with Jack Daniels.
4. That's not rain. It's tobacco spit!
3. We're so far from the stage -- how's Garth gonna see me giving him the finger?
2. My god, Frank Gifford's making out with a rodeo clown!
1. Run for your lives! It's the late Conway Twitty!



Top Ten Things I've Always Wanted To Ask The President.

10. Have you ever seen the Surgeon General naked?
9. Mr. President, are you aware that for a quarter more you can supersize those fries?
8. Are you sure you didn't have anything to do with Madonna's baby?
7. As Leader of the Free World, can't you do something about Richard Simmons?
6. As Leader of the Free World, can't you do something about David Letterman's hair?
5. Are you going to buy a retirement gift for David Brinkley?
4. Have you ever met Batman?
3. Will you please tell us once and for all - is Ross Perot nuts?
2. Why is it that you are always jogging but you never seem to lose any weight?
1. Does being President help you get a better table at Hooter's?
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Awards

10. Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey, me too!
9. You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not in Central Park anymore.
8. That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr. Letterman.
7. George Strait? That's not what I hear...
6. Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the punch bowl.
5. And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to: Kenny Rogers' beard.
4. Look out! Cow in the mosh pit!
3. Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to Leann Rimes.
2. That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton!
1. I've gotta take a grand ole leak.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood

10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito"
8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child"
7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter
6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet
5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby
4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal
3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex
2. Having the same test done on himself
1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house
Top Ten Top Ten Bill Clinton Tips For a Happy, Healthy Marriage

10. Try not to preface sex with, "Do I have to?"
9. Don't embarrass her in front of the entire world -- women hate that.
8. Never ever ever wife-swap with the Shalalas.
7. Every few months, let her run the country.
6. If you must smoke cigars, get an actual humidor.
5. Six key words: deny, deny, deny, apologize, apologize, apologize.
4. Have them geniuses at Nasa develop a space ray that makes her forget what a bastard you are.
3. Remember, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience. 2. Celebrate anniversary with a passionate night of lovemaking, and let her know how it went.
1. Don't get caught.

Top Ten Hilarious Mischief Night Pranks To Play In Space

10. Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!"
9. Spike the Tang with Folger's Crystals.
8. Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel.
7. Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew "There's a hideous Martian outside the ship!"
6. Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
5. Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Homestyle Beef Gravy.
4. Ring doorbell on Mir Spacestation; quickly float away.
3. Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit.
2. Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.
1. Egg the moon.