More Top Ten.....
Top Ten Surprises in 'Titanic'
Touching scene in which iceberg comes out as
Floating corpses played by former associates of
the Gambino family.
Instead of ocean, boat sinks in a large New York
Several minutes devoted to a lovely
synchronized swimming routine.
When boat starts sinking, captain turns on
rocket boosters & flies that sumbitch to Mars.
Graphic love scene between Kate Winslet and
the Gorton's Fisherman.
So-called "iceberg" clearly just a Coleman
At end of film, everyone is saved by those
babes from "Baywatch."
Passengers jump off side when Kathie Lee
starts singing, "If they could see me now..."
The Titanic's father? Darth V
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses
Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get
Too much caffeine
What can I say? I love a good joke
That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote
Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and
neutering" reminders to their logical conclusion
I was trying to cut the price tag off his new
pajamas and he sneezed
Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
Fell asleep whittling in bed
Was tired of playing "Got your nose"
Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and
you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and
can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
You have to carefully choose a costume that
won't dislodge your hairpiece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Garth
Brooks Concert in Central Park
Check it out -- line-dancing crack dealers.
I think Billy Ray Cyrus just asked me for
Isn't that Mayor Guiliani dressed up like Minnie
Call the paramedics -- Al Sharpton just started
If you're not a cowgirl, what's the lasso for?
The entire Central Park reservoir is filled with
That's not rain. It's tobacco spit!
We're so far from the stage -- how's Garth gonna
see me giving him the finger?
My god, Frank Gifford's making out with a rodeo
Run for your lives! It's the late Conway Twitty!
Top Ten Things I've Always Wanted To Ask
10. Have you ever seen the Surgeon General naked?
9. Mr. President, are you aware that for a quarter more you can supersize those fries?
8. Are you sure you didn't have anything to do with Madonna's baby?
7. As Leader of the Free World, can't you do something about Richard Simmons?
6. As Leader of the Free World, can't you do something about David Letterman's hair?
5. Are you going to buy a retirement gift for David Brinkley?
4. Have you ever met Batman?
3. Will you please tell us once and for all - is Ross Perot nuts?
2. Why is it that you are always jogging but you never seem to lose any weight?
1. Does being President help you get a better table at Hooter's?
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country
Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey,
You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not
in Central Park anymore.
That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr.
George Strait? That's not what I hear...
Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the
And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to:
Kenny Rogers' beard.
Look out! Cow in the mosh pit!
Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to
That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton!
I've gotta take a grand ole leak.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is
Preparing for Fatherhood
Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl
Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass
Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic
Memorizing the mother's name in case they
Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals,
and also a few things for the baby
Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if
baby starts to act normal
Having mother take sonogram test to determine
the baby's sex
Having the same test done on himself
Child-proofing each and every llama in the house
Top Ten Top Ten Bill Clinton Tips For a
Happy, Healthy Marriage
Try not to preface sex with, "Do I have to?"
Don't embarrass her in front of the entire world --
women hate that.
Never ever ever wife-swap with the Shalalas.
Every few months, let her run the country.
If you must smoke cigars, get an actual
Six key words: deny, deny, deny, apologize,
Have them geniuses at Nasa develop a space
ray that makes her forget what a bastard you
Remember, it takes two people to maintain a
cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
Celebrate anniversary with a passionate night of
lovemaking, and let her know how it went.
Don't get caught.
Top Ten Hilarious Mischief Night Pranks To Play In Space
10. Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!"
9. Spike the Tang with Folger's Crystals.
8. Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel.
7. Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew "There's a
hideous Martian outside the ship!"
6. Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
5. Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Homestyle Beef Gravy.
4. Ring doorbell on Mir Spacestation; quickly float away.
3. Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit.
2. Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops
out of your stomach during dinner.
1. Egg the moon.