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Some of my favorites!


Top 10 Things To Never Say To A Policeman

10. Sure, I'll get my license if you'll hold my beer!
9. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
8. Hey, you had to be going at least 120 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
7. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
6. Damnit! My radar detector wasn't plugged in!
5. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
4. Slow day at the Donut Shop?
3. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yeah, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are!!
2. You aren't gonna check the trunk, are ya?
1.. Do I smell bacon?
Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Came Back Today.

10. I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards
9. What do you know? The Jets still suck
8. I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my sideburns?
7. I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!
6. Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying to hug me?
5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with that!
4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up
3. That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver?
2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS
1. Lisa Marie married who?

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Monica Lewinsky's Book

10. "Beret Full of Bill"
9. "Hillary: That Cat's Got Claws"
8. "I'm Not Even Gonna Tell You What I Did With Alan Greenspan"
7. "Things You May Not Know About The Return Policy At The Gap"
6. "Going Down In History"
5. "Linda Tripp: So Not My Friend"
4. "My Childhood Crush On Gerald Ford"
3. "Cute Guys On The Grand Jury"
2. "Sticking To My Testimony"
1. "The Presidential Salute"
Top Ten Questions Ken Starr Plans to Ask Monica Lewinsky


10. "Can I try on that absolutely darling little beret?"
9. "Is it all right if my son Ringo asks a few questions?"
8. "In a past life, did you sleep with President Kennedy?"
7. "Was your security clearance at level 36C -- uh, I mean, level C?"
6. "Is that hair gel?"
5. "Could you have a talk with my intern?"
4. "In the course of your encounters, did the President ever yell, 'Yee Hah!'?"
3. "Are you mad at me for ruining your entire adult life?"
2. "Is it true he asked you if you would like to 'go down in history'?"
1. "Did you inhale?"
Top Ten Madonna's Top Qualifications for the Father of Her Child

9. Has to baby-sit the kid when NBA teams are in town.
8. Must provide child with what Madonna never could: a last name.
7. The calm demeanor of Sean Penn and the faithfulness of Warren Beatty.
6. Able to type 120 words a minute while "doing it"
5. No prior history of stalking her.
4. Must get along with the baby's thousand or so "uncles".
3. Willing to be present in delivery room for taping of HBO special, "Madonna Delivers!"
2. Must be able to say "like a virgin" without snickering.
1. A pulse.
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the Rolling Stones' Tour

10. Honky-Tonk Women and Grumpy Old Men
9. We Live Through the Concert or Your Money Back!
8. Come See What Hanson Will Look Like in the Year 2097.
7. Hurry Before Keith Richards Lapses Into a Coma.
6. Half-Price Off If You're Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Child.
5. And You Thought Aerosmith Was Old!
4. Hearts Full of Song and Teeth in a Glass
3. It's Like Metamucil For Your Ears
2. Where Else Can You See Bob Dole in a Mosh Pit?
1. Under 45 Not Admitted Without a Parent
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The Miss America Pageant

10. Plant bloody tiara in other contestant's dressing room
9. Get caught in bed with Frank Gifford
8. Accidentally leave the price tag on your breasts
7. During the talent competition, constantly yell "Gong her!"
6. Wear sash that says "Bite Me"
5. When asked your hobby, reply "Rich elderly men"
4. Your talent? Eating a peach (VT peach-eating woman)
3. Shout to the judges, "Don't forget last night at the Marriott!"
2. List your favorite book as the Packwood Diaries
1. Stop smiling for a couple of seconds
Top Ten Signs You've Bought A Bootleged Copy of Titanic

10. Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it's some guy named "Leocarpo Dinardio."
9. Movie ends; boat doesn't sink.
8. You're pretty sure the original version didn't include a guy smoking weed in the front row.
7. Since when did Celine Dion's theme song begin with "Love...exciting and new..."
6. It's rated X, and the first three letters of the title are suspiciously capitalized.
5. Stella won't get into a lifeboat without her groove.
4. In first two minutes of movie, "Jack" character says, "Hello, and welcome to 'Bassmasters'."
3. The ship explodes after its speed falls below 50 miles per hour.
2. You could have sworn Tommy Lee wasn't in the original.
1. You live in Russia.
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's

10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can't get a job here."
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure it's okay...
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"