Rules To Date My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below
her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill
you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
not do this. The only information I require from you is an
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which feature Chainsaw
are okay. Hockey games are okay.